Социальные сети

Seems like 2 days is already too much. One get used to living alone quite soon. And to get used to sharing everything by two is a tricky task again.

In fact I do well alone. I am not that kind of saggy people who cannot do anything when theyr are left all by themsalves. I can get up early in the morning, have my place all clean and shiny. I'd do every useful thing: my homework, my evening reading aloud, my dance classes, my diet, my shopping and cooking.
I would not drink, smoke, overeat, stay up late. I am a nice kid and I am twice as nice when not watched.

What stucks me most? In fact I am trying to understand why I am so aggrevated and so tense. Is it because I am not sure of him. That may be a good reason. Any moment he may say that he is tired of that life, he does not like this work, city, me or whatever and that's it. What rights do I have? What can I ask for? Nothing, actually. That is why I am not all positive about cohabitation. I know that even married people very often end up nowhere and perhaps it is not the point but I do know it adds to my uncertainty and irritability.

I am almost 25 now and I treat my life quite serious. Maybe too serious at times. In some 3 years I'd better have a child if I have children in my plan list, anyway. And do I have them there? When people ask me now all I can say that we cannot even marry what chidren are you talking about! But when I am all alone by myself I try not think about it as there are no chances for it now or in the nearest future. I don't know if after all this so called testing period of leaving together I will be blessed and chosen to be his wife ... or maybe not...Maybe I will have to strat everything again. Maybe I will have too earn my leaving all by myself. In this case I wuld definetly prefer to immigrate somewhere or I would do my best at making better career here. But I gotta know what I shoud be aiming to... But this is the way our life is: all unpredictable and refreshing, puzzling and much siplier that we imagine it.

I feel like I had a two-week break from some unsolved issues and now I face them again. Looks like I can't pretend not to see them as they really get at me. For 2 weeks no one would tell me about how fat I look. Damn it! It is hard. I mean it really, i feel stressed and crazy about being too plump since September. That is being 8 month. I do not stop feeling guilty and ashamed whenever I eat someting for pleasure, something but veggies, fruits, cereals. With my type of body I cannot have few days of light meals a months I must keep a diet for good. And that is not that easy especially when the pesron living with you tends to eat whenever he wants to (which is mostly late at night).

I am not that kind of girls who walk around nagging how fat they are and promising to start a new life as soon as they finish anither piece of cake. I have done a lot! By the way I 've lost some weight and can again buy clothes of 42 size (when I got a bit plump I had to switch first to 44, then to 46... which is my maximum ever I suppose). But my bf said that he does not see any chances in me. I do know that it is a trifle and no one actually cares about other people. But he seems to lose any desire of me as soon as I put on some weight. That disappoints me greatly. I know that I am not perfect but it is just so unfair. He has his flaws too. Everyone does. I keep supporting and conforting him no matter what happens. Whether it is about job or money or family, I always stand by him. I expect to have the same attitude. He may be quite supportive at times but mostly he is too busy with his career, with finding the right ways to earn good money, with learing to do that.

I do agree it is essential for a man.

But again who says he will chose me to stay with him in the long run? No certainty. No promises. No nothing. It is not that he does not love me. He just does not want any responsibilities so far. To me that means that anything may happen. I have to look cool. So that if he changes his mind about me I would not be all fat and gloomy but slender and fresh. I do not want people to be sorry for me if this is the case. I would like to be beautiful and strong.

For some months everyday I walk to work and back and look at people around. There are so many of them who are really fat. Comparing to them I am the slimmest girl on Earth. Sometimes I try to guess what they think about their looks and how they feel. Most of them wear bright colours and usually smiling. I wonder if it is hard or easy for them to find a loving bf or gf, or a partner. Weird thoughts.

I am also irritated by his unability to find some good time for me. Some useful time to do something together like to go for a short walk and to chat, to roller-skate ... or something. We do watches some shows from time to time. But I don't think that it is a good equivalent.

Gotta go for now.
Got up to early and feel too sleepy now. Can hardly follow my own thoughts.




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